TENSION

For the last year or so I've been living with this crazy tension.  It's the kind of tension that makes for a great novel.  I am both the protagonist and the antagonist in my life. I have lived with a tension that is born from the calm and knowing faith I have in God's existence and the see-sawing belief that God will never deliver on the promise of my heart's desire.  I have lived with a tension born of the thoughtfulness, attention to detail and tireless effort that I give to all things important to me and the result always being my desired outcome except in the case of my heart's desire.  I have lived with a tension that is born from my innate sense that I should always strive to do what is right and just, with the hope that it will be reciprocated.  This has not manifested in the case of my heart's desire.  I have been living with a mind pulled in two directions.  One telling me to hold tight and the other whispering that I'm crazy to keep believing.  My brain is exhausted.  Is it any wonder that I am impatient with family and friends, short, flippant or sometimes speak before thinking.  I wonder how they suffer me.

This weekend I decided that I can't live with the tension any longer.  It's time for surrender.  It's time to wave the white flag.  The time comes in every grown woman's life when she realizes that she has no power over the machinations of the Universe.  It's time to let go and let life happen.  I can't even live this current life happily because I'm so focused on the one that doesn't even exist, yet.  I can't intellectualize, meditate, pray, journal or coax my heart's desire into existence.  It will appear when it is time for it to be birthed.

That said, I'm letting go.  I found a great poem that says it much better than I can.  Authorship is credited to both Rev. Safire Rose and Ernest Holmes.

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.