No matter what is going on, I try really hard to view all that happens through a lens of abundance and not lack. My goal is to achieve a state of balance that allows me to see the world with objectivity, but still remain compassionate, open and available. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those individuals who can morph reality into a palatable version of events that soothes my ego and allows me some separation from the facts so that I am able to craft a reality that suits my needs and coping mechanisms. I have wished really hard to be that person. No such luck. Because I'm unable to get my brain to buy it, I am AGAIN trying to manage disappointment.
I know that getting what we want 100% of the time is not realistic, but dang! Can I get a tiny bit of reciprocity? The response from the Universe seems to be a resounding NO. I'm exhausted. I can't even muster up the tears to cry; much less find the energy. Believe me, I tried. I'm dry as the desert. At this point, I'm empty of expectation and promise. What's a woman, not a girl, but a woman to do? Where is our sanctuary, our cover, our safe place? Our protector? Does it even exist? Is it available for some of us, but not all of us? Where do we go to be recharged, rejuvenated, renewed, refreshed, awakened? These are just a few of the questions that have formed and passed through my brain in the last 30 minutes or so. I'm at a loss.
So, I've whined and complained. I've done the woe is me thing. What to do now? I have found no solace in my usual go to places. No comfort in scripture, no epiphanies from the texts of spiritual gurus, no release in the escape of meditation or enlightenment through the counsel of loving and wonderful friends. I do not feel depressed or melancholy. I have no sense of despair or sorrow. I only feel done and worn out.
Perhaps I am the only one who's been in this place. I hope not. I need a guide to help me navigate my way through this season of disappointment. I feel the wall extending wider and growing higher; the detachment expanding and the desire dwindling.