TENSION

For the last year or so I've been living with this crazy tension.  It's the kind of tension that makes for a great novel.  I am both the protagonist and the antagonist in my life. I have lived with a tension that is born from the calm and knowing faith I have in God's existence and the see-sawing belief that God will never deliver on the promise of my heart's desire.  I have lived with a tension born of the thoughtfulness, attention to detail and tireless effort that I give to all things important to me and the result always being my desired outcome except in the case of my heart's desire.  I have lived with a tension that is born from my innate sense that I should always strive to do what is right and just, with the hope that it will be reciprocated.  This has not manifested in the case of my heart's desire.  I have been living with a mind pulled in two directions.  One telling me to hold tight and the other whispering that I'm crazy to keep believing.  My brain is exhausted.  Is it any wonder that I am impatient with family and friends, short, flippant or sometimes speak before thinking.  I wonder how they suffer me.

This weekend I decided that I can't live with the tension any longer.  It's time for surrender.  It's time to wave the white flag.  The time comes in every grown woman's life when she realizes that she has no power over the machinations of the Universe.  It's time to let go and let life happen.  I can't even live this current life happily because I'm so focused on the one that doesn't even exist, yet.  I can't intellectualize, meditate, pray, journal or coax my heart's desire into existence.  It will appear when it is time for it to be birthed.

That said, I'm letting go.  I found a great poem that says it much better than I can.  Authorship is credited to both Rev. Safire Rose and Ernest Holmes.

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Disappointment

No matter what is going on, I try really hard to view all that happens through a lens of abundance and not lack.  My goal is to achieve a state of balance that allows me to see the world with objectivity, but still remain compassionate, open and available.  Unfortunately, I'm not one of those individuals who can morph reality into a palatable version of events that soothes my ego and allows me some separation from the facts so that I am able to craft a reality that suits my needs and coping mechanisms. I have wished really hard to be that person.  No such luck.  Because I'm unable to get my brain to buy it, I am AGAIN trying to manage disappointment.

I know that getting what we want 100% of the time is not realistic, but dang!  Can I get a tiny bit of reciprocity?  The response from the Universe seems to be a resounding NO.  I'm exhausted.  I can't even muster up the tears to cry; much less find the energy.  Believe me, I tried.  I'm dry as the desert. At this point, I'm empty of expectation and promise.  What's a woman, not a girl, but a woman to do?  Where is our sanctuary, our cover, our safe place?  Our protector? Does it even exist?  Is it available for some of us, but not all of us? Where do we go to be recharged, rejuvenated, renewed, refreshed, awakened? These are just a few of the questions that have formed and passed through my brain in the last 30 minutes or so.  I'm at a loss.

So, I've whined and complained.  I've done the woe is me thing.  What to do now?  I have found no solace in my usual go to places.  No comfort in scripture, no epiphanies from the texts of spiritual gurus, no release in the escape of meditation or enlightenment through the counsel of loving and wonderful friends.  I do not feel depressed or melancholy. I have no sense of despair or sorrow.  I only feel done and worn out.

Perhaps I am the only one who's been in this place.  I hope not.  I need a guide to help me navigate my way through this season of disappointment.  I feel the wall extending wider and growing higher; the detachment expanding and the desire dwindling.