Monday, June 13, 2011

I Fell in Love All Over Again

Last week, I was driving in the car headed somewhere.  I don't remember the destination, but I remember thinking and saying out loud - "Dear Lord, I am SO in love with.........nothing and everything."  The feeling I was experiencing had nothing to do with a person, place or thing. It simply was.  It was not an unfamiliar feeling, but one that I am acquainted with - an old and familiar friend.  I felt like I could fly.  It had just been so long since we had been together. 

For a long time I have had laser focus on very concrete things such as pursuing goals, school, work, strategizing on how to get the things I want, decorating the house, paying the bills, mentoring or volunteer commitments.  I'm sure some of you have similar tasks that require your attention.  I had been spending little time with myself.  I found it uncomfortable to sit still.  I was certain something was going undone, that I was missing an appointment or that I had forgotten some important detail.  I felt guilty while watching a DVD or just enjoying my own home.  Crazy!  If I had been asked about things I enjoy or what soothes my soul I would have rattled off the list that I've been rattling for the last few years - traveling, reading, plays, dining out, my sorority, concerts, church, blah, blah, blah........ Really!  I've been repeating these words for years.  When did I become this cookie-cutter person?  I do enjoy all those things, but my interests used to be truly eclectic.  I had come to feel as if I was  a replicate of all the other black middle-class inhabitants of Atlanta.  Now, don't misunderstand me.  There's nothing  wrong with the black-washed American Dream.  It's just a little boring and doesn't provide much opportunity for growth.  Zzzzzzzz........
   Recently, I've turned my focus toward renewing my friendship with myself.  A re-discovery of sorts regarding who I am without any association to some other person, clique, my membership in Delta Sigma Theta, Impact Church, being a PhD student, my status in Atlanta or any other thing outside myself that someone else might use to measure my acceptability or okay-ness.  I did this by forcing myself to sit still without the television, mobile device, lap-top, calendar or music.  Reading is my escape.  I didn't give myself the opportunity to disappear into the pages of a book.  However, I did read some inspirational books and check in with some spiritual health gurus.  It helps to find confirmation that you're on the right path or to peek in on someone else's journey to know you're not the only kid on the block who's looking for her happy place.  I journaled my thoughts and took myself on  dates.  I didn't tell anyone.  I was selfish with me.  I wanted all my time and attention.  It is in this space that I fell in love all over again.
   Last week, I mentioned the book Add More ~ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein.  It has been a great source of inspiration for me.  Also, it is confirmation that I'm on the right path.  As I have  continued reading, I have discovered that her book addresses many of the things I've already blogged about.  I wish I had been aware of it sooner.  My other sources of confirmation are other bloggers, life coaches and dreamers that I've met because I began writing this blog.  They have rekindled in me stuff I hadn't thought about in years.  I got so bogged down in all my other love affairs, that I neglected the one I had been having with myself.  No more.  This is a love affair I intend to continue and share with my future groom.


  1. I absolutely LOVE this post. It brought me to tears. This has been such an emotional week for me. It so many ways I have been battling feelings of insecurity, self doubt and a lack of appreciation.

    I SOOOOOOOO want to fall in love with me again. Unfortunately, the rejection I felt from my last relationship has impacted the way that I view myself. I allowed it to affect my self confidence. I have allowed it to plant seeds of doubt about my attractiveness, my value as a woman and my worthiness of companionship. I have allowed it to make me feel disappointed with myself. Every morning I ask God to deliver me from this wrong thinking--but it has been hard.

    Your blog reminded me of how good it feels to operate in a state of self love and self appreciation. Thanks for inspiring me on my healing journey.

  2. Miss Tosha! I'm so glad I was able to write something that touched you and that you found helpful. I pray that it does confirm that you're on the right path. I read what you write and feel your spirit and intent. Know that I get encouragement each time I read one of your posts and know that you inspire me as well.

  3. Hi Michael,
    I love your blog! I am doing the same! Taking care of me!
    Check out my blogs. I think you will really like them!
    Also, add me on facebook if you like, risa cookie j, I post inspirational messages every morning!
    Wow! Glad you sent your blog. It is awesome!