Let Those You Love Make Mistakes

Let Those You Love Make Mistakes

As I was reading this post by Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love, I felt as if I was being smacked in the face. I didn't have to spend much time considering the message he had to share. I immediately recognized myself as one of those types who had not allowed my past loves to make mistakes. I'm not referring to things like forgetting to lower the toilet seat or leaving the gas tank on E. I recall an occasion when a young man I dated spoke to me in what I considered a disrespectful way. I blew up. After I expressed myself, he was very clear about my feelings and thoughts. When I reflect back, I can clearly see the issue wasn't with what he said, but it was in how I received it.

My ego got in the way. That little bugger started messing with my head and confirmed my belief that this guy wasn't really interested in me unless it was about the booty. My ego capitalized on my fears and took off like gang busters. All this because I couldn't excuse a poorly executed attempt at being clever. What I forgot is that in any relationship you have to allow the other person the room to make mistakes and be secure knowing that your love won't be withdrawn because you've been disappointed or become angry.

I'm not suggesting that it's okay to excuse bad behavior or to settle for less than you deserve. What I'm advocating is that we allow our loves to be human. None of us is perfect. We're going to make mistakes, too. We don't want to be held to some impossibly high standards that can't be continuously met or indefinitely sustained.

I have finally figured out I'm responsible for how I react to the behavior exhibited by another person. I can choose to react wildly or take a deep breath and consider whether or not I want to be right or happy.

Radical Truth

I apologize for being away for the last couple weeks. It's been hectic, but good. I went home to Cincinnati to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday, good times. I had a chance to re-connect with old friends and new.  I didn't get a chance to see everyone, but I'll do better next time. Why is time spent at home both too long and too short?

Not long ago I read a previously unpublished Harlem Renaissance novel, When Washington Was in Vogue. It is a love story told in a series of letters. I loved it. The book also reminded me that my love of writing letters had been pushed to the side with the advent of email, texting, IM, twitter and Facebook. The intimacy, anticipation and strengthening of relationships that occurs with letter writing has been lost. At least it has in my opinion.  Not too long after reading this book I came across a collection of letters edited and compiled by Pamela Newkirk. It's called A Love No Less. It is an impressive collection of African American love letters from the Civil War era to more contemporary times. I was struck again by the social distance that technology has created between people. After reading these books, I decided I would begin letter writing again. I ordered personalized stationary and then asked FB friends if they would like for me to write them a letter. There were some folks I expected to be on board and I wasn't disappointed. I was shocked by others who requested that I write. One was an old love that I have previously mentioned and the other was someone I dated in the past, but didn't click with in that way. With letters I can't blow smoke up someone's ass. I'm compelled to tell the truth. The person that I used to date requested a letter that answered his question about why we can't still be in love. I'm puzzled by the request because we were never in love, but apparently I'm the only one who doesn't know that. Still, this letter doesn't pose much of a challenge to write. The other to the old love will prove to be more challenging. I feel a need to be extra careful in my writing, but not shy away from being truthful.  While contemplating these things, I read the latest blog post from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love.

In Mastin's latest blog post, "Got Guilt? Tell On Yourself and You're Off the Hook" he encourages us to tell the truth and shame the devil. He recognizes there is fear in revealing what you think, how you feel and risking rejection. He suggests that we look at this from a different vantage point. What if we do tell the truth and the person or persons you most want to accept you and your truth don't?   Mastin offers that we don't view this as rejection, but as vibrational alignment. If you go to a person with love and truth and are turned away, then room is made for someone or something new. Mastin writes:

"Instead of worrying about being rejected for who you are, I would like to invite you to step into the sifting device that is your authentic true self. When you are radically honest with people in your life, you begin to emit a new “vibration” and those who match that new and authentic vibration will begin to come into your life and those that don’t will take a bow."

I can attest to the validity of those words.  For the last couple years, I've been been practicing radical honesty.  As I become more and more committed to this path, I have been "rejected" and have found that friendships don't go as smoothly.  I'm not talking about being mean or nasty with people.  I'm talking about no longer sacrificing myself, my feelings, my comfort, my need to take care of myself, my needs and wants or my preferences in favor of someone else's preferences so that others will think I'm sweet, kind or always do the right thing.  I have no need to be recognized as the perfect anything.   I don't find much personal validation or satisfaction in that designation.   

When I look back at past intimate relationships, I know for sure that I wasn't radically honest with myself and wasn't with my partners for fear of not getting what I wanted or needed.  The irony is that by withholding my authentic truth, I wasn't any closer to getting my wants or needs met.  When my groom comes along, I know that any chance of success will be rooted in our ability to practice radical honestly individually and as partners.

I Fell in Love All Over Again

Last week, I was driving in the car headed somewhere.  I don't remember the destination, but I remember thinking and saying out loud - "Dear Lord, I am SO in love with.........nothing and everything."  The feeling I was experiencing had nothing to do with a person, place or thing. It simply was.  It was not an unfamiliar feeling, but one that I am acquainted with - an old and familiar friend.  I felt like I could fly.  It had just been so long since we had been together. 

For a long time I have had laser focus on very concrete things such as pursuing goals, school, work, strategizing on how to get the things I want, decorating the house, paying the bills, mentoring or volunteer commitments.  I'm sure some of you have similar tasks that require your attention.  I had been spending little time with myself.  I found it uncomfortable to sit still.  I was certain something was going undone, that I was missing an appointment or that I had forgotten some important detail.  I felt guilty while watching a DVD or just enjoying my own home.  Crazy!  If I had been asked about things I enjoy or what soothes my soul I would have rattled off the list that I've been rattling for the last few years - traveling, reading, plays, dining out, my sorority, concerts, church, blah, blah, blah........ Really!  I've been repeating these words for years.  When did I become this cookie-cutter person?  I do enjoy all those things, but my interests used to be truly eclectic.  I had come to feel as if I was  a replicate of all the other black middle-class inhabitants of Atlanta.  Now, don't misunderstand me.  There's nothing  wrong with the black-washed American Dream.  It's just a little boring and doesn't provide much opportunity for growth.  Zzzzzzzz........
   Recently, I've turned my focus toward renewing my friendship with myself.  A re-discovery of sorts regarding who I am without any association to some other person, clique, my membership in Delta Sigma Theta, Impact Church, being a PhD student, my status in Atlanta or any other thing outside myself that someone else might use to measure my acceptability or okay-ness.  I did this by forcing myself to sit still without the television, mobile device, lap-top, calendar or music.  Reading is my escape.  I didn't give myself the opportunity to disappear into the pages of a book.  However, I did read some inspirational books and check in with some spiritual health gurus.  It helps to find confirmation that you're on the right path or to peek in on someone else's journey to know you're not the only kid on the block who's looking for her happy place.  I journaled my thoughts and took myself on  dates.  I didn't tell anyone.  I was selfish with me.  I wanted all my time and attention.  It is in this space that I fell in love all over again.
   Last week, I mentioned the book Add More ~ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein.  It has been a great source of inspiration for me.  Also, it is confirmation that I'm on the right path.  As I have  continued reading, I have discovered that her book addresses many of the things I've already blogged about.  I wish I had been aware of it sooner.  My other sources of confirmation are other bloggers, life coaches and dreamers that I've met because I began writing this blog.  They have rekindled in me stuff I hadn't thought about in years.  I got so bogged down in all my other love affairs, that I neglected the one I had been having with myself.  No more.  This is a love affair I intend to continue and share with my future groom.

So, You've Got a Big Ego?

I've been doing a lot of thinking about ego lately.  Specifically, I've been thinking a lot about my own. During the last few weeks I've been observing my own reactions to my emotions, family, friends, encounters with people, perception of the world, experience of events and surroundings in general.  The ego, mine especially, can be a nasty little bugger. 

I've been reading "Add More ~ ing To Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness" by Gabrielle Bernstein.  Gabrielle writes that the ego is the nasty voice of fear.  She goes on to quote A Course in Miracles which refers to ego as "quite literally a fearful thought."  I got it, but needed to dig a little deeper. My background is in psychology and behavior modification strategies and thought both statements were accurate, but didn't quite tell the entire story.  Ego is all about "the other." "The other" can be our body, family members, romantic partners, colleagues, friends, acquaintances, magazines, sorority sisters, society  or  any other thing outside us. We can be vulnerable to what these people, places and things tell us about ourselves and as such the ego can become a reflection of that.  For example, if your significant other thinks you're great and treats you accordingly chances are you feel pretty great about yourself and soak up the positive attention.  Conversely, if your peer group suddenly turns against you and begins to make disparaging remarks you start to wonder what's wrong with me.  Let's take it a few steps further.  It's a recession and ego tells you there are no jobs to be had so you won't be hired and will lose your home.  You break a freshly manicured nail and ego pokes at you and says you don't deserve to be pretty. Maybe you've applied to the executive MBA program, but aren't accepted.  Ego says you're not smart enough.  You're not receiving any attention and ego is feeling neglected and encourages you to go get some attention without regard for it being positive or negative.  Uh, oh you got married, have the spouse, the kids, the car, the gated community and the image, but wake up and find it's not what you really wanted.  Ego laughs and says, but it's what I wanted. You're hired, but only if you move across country.  Ego laughs because you let fear keep you from your dream job. You think you're really smart and have all the answers, but ego leaves you with egg on your face.  Or your last two relationships have failed.  Ego whispers in your ear you're not good enough, you'll be single and alone....FOREVER.  Essentially, ego finds its strength in past hurts, disappointments and our continued reliance on "the other."  The good news is that the ego is fake.

The ego is not real.  It's not our true and authentic self.  So, how do we find the real center?  How do we change our thinking?  Well, it's hard work.  I didn't realize that I was moving away from ego until that ugly voice in my head didn't show up one day.  In the past things such as lost keys, broken nails, a flat tire, lunch forgotten at home, horrendous traffic, a bad hair day, not getting the guy, poochy stomach, multivariate statistics, lack of attention from friends, a heart felt message that goes unacknowledged or burnt toast could send me over the edge. It happened because I was invested in an identity that was rooted in "the other."  Eventually, I discovered that in order for me to REALLY be happy, I had to leave all that in the past. I had to move outside my comfort zone, leave some people behind and stop making the experiences of others my own.  It took some conscious effort and some time.  First, I had to address the grief and anger I had surrounding multiple deaths and being left behind by one of my most important others, my best friend. This meant pastoral counseling.  Yup, I had to go talk it out.  Second, I had to let go of the folks who were contributing to those nasty little voices in my head. One an old love and the other was someone that I've known since elementary school - another best friend. I haven't had a real conversation with this person in nearly two years.  Last, I had to cast out my mother's voice (sorry Mommy if you're reading this).  On more than one occasion she's said don't get married and don't have any kids.  I adopted that thinking as my own for some time. Who knows who I might have missed on the path by making her experiences my own?

What does this mean for 18 Months to the Altar?  Courtesy of loving affirmations, meditation, and right intention I've arrived at a place where "the other" isn't center stage as it once was. It's off to the left now. By relinquishing "the other" willingly and unwillingly, I have been able to work toward cultivating my own consciousness that is much more real and fulfilling than what was possible with ego.  It's freeing and has eliminated some of the limitations that were keeping me in a particular space and not allowing me to see other ways of being. This is what I'm now offering to the Universe. In keeping with the law of attraction, I  expect to connect with a partner who is of like mind. 
We will both want to build a relationship that has its foundation in a ccollective consciousness created by us and is based upon who we are authentically and has no reliance upon what "the other" might expect or dictate.

Want Love? Then Be Love-Able. Here’s How

Want Love? Then Be Love-Able. Here’s How

This is a blog post from Mastin Kipp, founder of The Daily Love. It's a plainly written articualtion of our responsibilities if we want to discover love        

 and be loved in return.   

Stop Being Resistant!

This year I adopted the philosophy of ELEVATION.  My intent is to push everything I attempt beyond my comfort zone.  I feel pretty satisfied that I have remained true and not slacked off.  My accomplishments include declaring my intent to be married in 18 months, stretching myself academically, adopting strategies that rely upon dream manifestation, studying spiritual gurus and communicating my authentic truth and feelings without censure and with complete transparency. I admit that not everything has resulted in the outcome I wanted, but I took action, stepped out of my comfort zone and recovered my power that I had relinquished to fear.  When I did that, I became free and began to feel more like myself than I have in the last four years.  I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

What I still need to work on is my resistance.  When I stake my claim on an opinion or adopt a stance, it is hard work for me to get a new attitude.  My awareness of this resistance grew as I bumped up against ideas and suggested shifts in my behavior.  I first noticed this during a class I took, Sex and Society.  The focus of the class was the examination of the ways society impacts sexual identity and behavior with an emphasis on LGBTQ issues.  For the uninitiated, that's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and queer. I am on the race and urban track and  had little interest in all things LGBTQ.   It wasn't until I realized how deeply these issues cut across gender, race and class that I considered how my resistance might have offended and what disservice I might be doing to the very people I want to champion. I REALLY knew I had a problem when I became angered by the repeated requests of Yahoo! to give up its classic mail version in favor of the new beta version. However, this time I was saved.  My inner voice spoke to me and said "stop being resistant."  I stopped and switched to the beta version. It works just fine.  My resistance reared its ugly head again during church this morning.  I won't repeat the pastors' sermon for you, but he referenced those of us seeking marriage and our reluctance to do something different such as join Match.com: The Leading Website for Singles and Personals.  My goof girlfriend who was sitting next to me nudged my arm and poked me in the side.  She said "he's talking to you.

   Everyone who knows me can tell you that I've been resistant to on-line dating.  I'm not fearful of who may find out or what it may say about me.  I'm scared that I will be the one person who will connect with every serial killer who has posted a profile on the site.  Irrational, right?!  Obviously not everyone on the site is a serial killer.  In fact, a very good friend met her husband on the site.  I was a bridesmaid in their wedding.  No sooner than I could emphatically shake my head no and repeat my mantra about serial killers, my inner voice spoke out and said "stop being resistant."  At that moment, I knew that I was blowing a potential avenue for making it to the altar in 18 months.  Having nothing to lose and everything to gain, I turned to my good girlfriend and told her I would do it, but that SHE would be responsible for creating my profile and screening any potentials. She happily agreed.  

The point is that by being resistant I am likely to block my blessings or miss a gift the Universe has intended for me.  If you're a regular reader, you've probably noticed that my comfort with the Law of Attraction and its principles has grown to such a point that I've become a bit of an advocate.  So my conclusion that if I'm being resistant, I will be met with resistance is logical.  Definitely not what I want.  If I want to attract a groom who is open, curious and willing to grow with me, I have to live my life without resistance and be willing to take chances.



By the way, I've made a new friend.  I'll keep you posted.

The Missing Ingredient for Success Today

One of my favorite websites is The Daily Love. It's administered by this guy Mastin Kipp who is a mentor and motivational speaker. I'm not sure how folks achieve these titles or receive the blessing to go forth as experts, but he seems to have a pretty huge following via his website, Facebook, Twitter and among all the better known self-help and law of attraction gurus. If he's good enough for them, I guess he's good enough for me. Anyway.......

Mastin Kipp has an excellent blog post today about patience and how our lack of it impedes success. I was not blessed with the attribute patience. I have prayed for it like a mad woman as I possess it in very small quantities.



I reserve it for the very young, the infirm and those who are obviously mentally compromised. That's not a lot of folks. So, you can imagine how long and intolerable some days can be for me. For example, I have little patience for fiddlers and dawdlers. When I arrive at Target and park my car, I grab my purse, jump out and head for the store. Easy peasy. Well, not for everyone. I have a friend who will jump out and then fiddle around in the backseat doing who knows what. I'm standing there thinking WTH. Finally, she emerges with nothing but a purse. I'm thinking that it took 3 f****** minutes to grab a purse. Arrrgh! Also, I'm easily frustrated by the decision making process engaged in by other people and a million other things that I can fill this page with, but won't. You get my point. I'm an action person. My brain is like a computer. Information is input, an analysis is performed, a decision is made and I act on it. For me, this is a fairly quick exercise. I can truthfully say I have few regrets regarding decisions I've made. As I sit here and think about it, I can only think of two. On the other hand, my lack of patience does not always serve me well.

My lack of patience is frustrating for me. I've often thought what have I missed along the path of my journey because I find it difficult to slow down. What lessons have I not gotten because I move through experiences very quickly? I don't like hurt feelings, disappointment or rejection. It's been my rule to cry about "it" for 24 hours and move on because there is still much to do and I'm a warrior woman.



It's only been recently that I've discovered there is much to be said for living in the present and that every step of the journey should be savored - the good and the bad. 18 Months to the Altar has been the catalyst for this understanding. In my preparation for marriage, I've not only observed couples who possess the type of relationships I admire, I've also done a lot of self examination. I've read dozens of books about the Law of Attraction, spiritual health and loving intention. I've asked myself what role has my lack of patience played in my not so successful intimate relationships. I don't mean the obvious stuff like being on ring watch, waiting for a proposal, wondering when will I meet the family, when will we make our formal debut as a couple or when are we going on vacay together, but my rush to just get it done so that I can move on to the next "thing." I've treated intimate relationships like something to be checked off a list. And I'm sure I've made some of the guys I've dated feel like they were a to-do item.  Not a great trait if you're hoping to become a Mrs. someday and I do hope to do so.  I'm decidedly more easy breezy these days.

Although I do hope to get married (sooner than later), I'm more about living the exact moment that I'm in and not worrying about what's going to come next.  No matter what actions I take, the Universe has already laid out the path.  I can either accept it with love, patience and thanksgiving or fight it every step of the way with timelines, demands and frustration.  I choose the former.  Check out this paragraph from Mastin's blog. It says it much better than I can. Below is a link to Mastin's complete blog entry.

"So, what does patience feel like? For me patience is the slow, yet perfect unfolding of my dreams one day at a time. It’s embracing the uneasiness of all the things that are still unsettled in my heart and having the faith that The Uni-verse is working for my best interest, even if I can’t see it or feel it in this moment. Patience is accepting the present fully as it is and then course correcting. Patience is allowing yourself to make mistakes and then learn from them. Patience is removing the word “should” from your vocabulary and instead, understanding that everything that’s happened in your life has been necessary to teach you."

The Missing Ingredient for Success Today